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Doggie Jokes

It's a dog's life!

 
 

TO: GOD, FROM: THE DOG

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.

3. The litter box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a ”face towel.” 
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello."

8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house—not after.

10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

Doggy Dictionary
LEASH: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: A liquid that, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and get drool on the human.

SNIFF: A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to the human exchange of business cards.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents throughout the house before your person comes home.

BATH: If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get jealous and they use this degrading form of torture to get even. Be sure to shake only when next to a person or a piece of furniture.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!" especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular bump doesn't get the attention you require...especially effective when combined with the sniff. See above.

CHILDREN: Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one assures some good petting. When running, they are good to chase. If they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.

LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

 What kind of dog can use the phone?
a Dial-Matian
 
What kind of dog would you find in a cave?
a Bat Terrier
 
Which dog is very obedient?
a Sit Bull Terrier
 
What do you get when you cross a small dog and a large boat?
a Ship Tzu
 
What did the hungry Dalmatian say after his meal?
"That hit the spots!"
 
Why are Dalmatians no good at "Hide and Seek"?
They're always spotted!
 
What dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
 
Where do the dogs go for the Macy's Thanksgiving parade?
New Yorkie
 
What's black and white and red all over?
an embarrassed Dalmatian

A guy is driving around Oklahoma and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a damn liar. He never did any of that stuff."

A burglar is stalking stealthily around the living room of the house he's just broken into. He jumps with fright when he suddenly hears a voice behind him saying "Croaoak, beware, Jesus watches you"

He turns around, swings the beam of his flashlight in to direction the voice comes from and sees what indeed the voice had made him think once he was over his first fright: a parrot. The bird repeats "Croaoak, beware, Jesus watches you"

The burglar walks up to the cage and asks "And what may your name be? The parrot answers "Coco." The burglar sniggers and says "I've always found that a very stupid name for a parrot." The parrot answers "Maybe, but not half as silly as Jesus for a Pitbull terrier"

Well-phrased signs:

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit Stay"

A dog had followed his owner to school. His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school. When the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the child's classroom with him before a teacher noticed him and shooed him back outside, closing the door behind him. The dog sat down outside the door, whimpering and staring at the closed doors and not understanding in the least as to why he was refused entry. Then God appeared beside the dog, patted him on the head to comfort him and said, "Don't feel bad fella'...they won't let ME in there either."

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

A man and his dog were walking along a road...
The man was enjoying the walk, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead...
He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them...
After a while, they came to a high white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold...
He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir", the man answered...
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked...
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up. The man gestured, and the gate began to open...
"Can my friend, gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller asked...
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going...
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book...
"Excuse me!", he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" The traveller gestured to the dog...
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the bowl and took a long drink himself then he gave some to the dog...
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them...
"What do you call this place?" The traveller asked...
"This is Heaven," was the answer...
"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
   
   
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

What breed of dog loves to take a bath? 

A Shampoodle

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
       
Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie:
The Border Collie realized the bulb wasn't the problem, and is in the basement re-setting the breaker.

Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler:
Make me.

Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Poodle:
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel: 
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Boxer:
Who cares?  I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound:
Can somebody else do it?  I've got this hangover.

Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.

Greyhound:
It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…


Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb?  I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?


German Shepard:
Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light?  I SAID, "STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!"

Hound Dog:
ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

Cat:
Dogs do not change light bulbs.  People change light bulbs.  So the  question is:     How long will it be before I can expect light?

A business man enters into a large Las Vegas casino followed by his well-groomed hunting dog. The two make their way to a roulette table, and he sits down with his dog at his side. As the next game begins, the man's dog tosses a mouthful of $1000 chips onto the table. Remarkably, the numbers each chip fall on pay off. The dog quickly jumps up on the table, gathers up their winnings and heads off to another table. Not to be lost, the man quickly jumps up and follows after his dog. 

As before, the dog tosses a mouthful of chips onto the table for betting, and once again the couple walk away winners. Not to waiver from the drill, the dog jumps up on the table, scoops up their winnings and jumps off the table. To yet another table they head. This time the man's dog dumps all of their winnings on one hand of Blackjack. Remarkably, the dealer presents an ace and king to the man. A bit shocked, the dealer presents the man with his winnings.  Not missing a beat, the dog hurls its massive body onto the game table, grabs all of their chips in its mouth and jumps back down to the man's side. Tired from all of the gambling, they find a bar to sit down at. The man asks for a pint of ale for his dog and just a club soda for himself. Puzzled by the man's request, and the large pile of chips at the dog's side, the bartender asks what type of dog does this very wealthy man have? Patting his canine companion on the head, he smiles and says, " An Irish Better...what else?"

A blind man walks into a hardware store with his seeing-eye dog. Very briskly, the man makes his way to the center of the store, and stops. Without hesitation, the man picks his dog up by its leash and begins spin the dog around over his head. Seeing the poor pooch flying around the air, the store managers quickly makes his way over to the blind man. Without pause, the manager asks the gentleman if he can help. Without concern, the blind man replies, "Nope, just looking around."
Q: How do you keep a dog from smelling?
A: You hold its nose!
Q: What did one flea say to the other flea when they walked out of the movies?
A: Shall we walk or take the dog?

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then toward the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

There's a guy with a Doberman Pincher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pincher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures "what the hell," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, "Sorry pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand.  This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

He says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

 

Dalmatians

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past them. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. 

"No, he's just for good luck," said another.

A third child brought the argument to a close.

"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

A man tied his Great Dane outside the grocery store and went inside to do some shopping.   A little while later another man came over to him and asked if the Great Dane outside was his. He replied that it was and then the other man said, “Well I’m sorry to tell you this, but I believe my dog just killed your dog.” The owner of the Great Dane looked at him and asked what kind of dog he had, to which he replied that he had a Chihuahua. The Great Dane’s owner looked at the other man as if he’d lost his mind and asked, “How could that be?” The other man replied, “Well I’m afraid he choked on him.

Where does a Rottweiler sit in a movie theater?

Anywhere it wants to!

What kind of dog does Dracula have?

A Bloodhound!

What do you get when you cross a dog with a lion?

A really scared mailman!

What do you get when you cross a dog with a phone?

A golden receiver!

Why did the man bring his dog to the railroad station?

Because he wanted to "train" him!

What kind of dog can jump as high as a tall building?

Any kind. A building can't jump!

Why does a dog scratch himself?

Because no one else knows where it itches!

What is more amazing than a talking dog?

A spelling bee!

How does a dog stop a VCR?

It presses the "paws" button!

What kind of dog does a mad scientist have?

A Laboratory Retriever!

A woman brings her parrot to the vet. The parrot is stiff and lifeless.

"I'm sorry ma'am, but this parrot is dead"

"How can you tell so quickly?" replies the woman, "Isn't there a way to be absolutely certain?"

So, the vet whistles and a beautiful black Labrador Retriever walks in the examining room. The Lab sniffs around the parrot for a few moments, then looks at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.

"A dog shakes its head and I'm supposed to believe that?!" cries the woman. "You're going to have to do more to prove that my poor parrot is dead!"

So the vet leaves momentarily, comes back with a cat and puts it on the table beside the parrot. The cat looks closely at the parrot, walks around it, prods it a bit, then shakes his head and jumps off the table.

Finally, the woman seems convinced. As she turns for the door, the vet announces that she owes him $500.

"$500?!" the woman asks. "How in the world could it be that much just to tell me my parrot is dead?"

"Well, it would have been a lot cheaper, but with that lab report and cat scan..."

What does a dog turn into when it's HOT?

It turns into a hot dog!!!

Where should you never take a dog?

The 'flea' market.

What do you get when you cross a dog, a flower and a vegetable?

Collieflower!

Why did the dog carry a clock?

He wanted to be a watch dog!

What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?

Rough! Rough!

How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard?

Put it in your backyard!

A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ”Talking Dog for Sale”

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. ”You talk?” he asks. ”Yep,” the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk he says,
”So, what's your story?”

The Beagle looks up and says, ”Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services... the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'

“In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

“I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars,” the guy says.

”Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

”Because he's such a liar.... He never did any of that stuff…

He was in the Navy!”

"I say, madam, why do you want to get a divorce?"

"My husband treats me like a dog."

"Does he mistreat you? Does he hit you?"

"No, he wants me to be faithful to him."

 

A Greyhound Joke

Three race horses were bragging about their race averages.

"I won 5 out of 20 races," said the first horse.

"Oh yeah? I won 15 out of my 30," said the second.

"Hah! I won 50 out of 60," said the third.

Hiding behind a hay bale, a Greyhound was listening in on the conversation. He steps into view and says, "Well I won 99 out of 100 of my races."

The third horse looks at the second horse and says,

"WOW!! A talking dog!"

;

.
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